Area Gyms and Grocery Stores Brace for New Year’s Resolution Surge

Local gyms across Pearland confirmed today they are preparing for their busiest two weeks of the year, as residents officially begin their annual New Year’s resolution cycle.

Meanwhile, employees at grocery stores report early signs of activity in the produce and health food sections, including increased interest in spinach, avocados, and items no one can pronounce.

Experts say the surge is expected to taper off sometime between January 14th and “the first bad day at work.” At press time, several treadmills had already been claimed, and at least one unopened bag of kale was spotted in a shopping cart.

(Unscientific reporting. Results may vary.)